Somewhere Between Permissive and Oppressive

My husband and I are engaged in the daunting task of raising two teenagers at the moment. It is so much different from the baby and toddler years, which are physically exhausting. It is also very different from what I like to call the "grace period" of elementary school years, when the kids are less hands-on work and still eager to please. Teens are more mentally exhausting, I think. Maybe it is because I feel them leaving me, little by little.

Lately my hubby and I have talked a bit about restrictions and freedoms for our teens. What helps us as we grope through these challenging years is observing other families. Sure, we have some rules of our own, and we certainly are making mistakes we don't even realize, but we want to raise healthy, happy, and most of all moral people. We need help!

I find it important to give teens the right amount of freedom, somewhere in-between permissiveness and oppression. I have heard it said that either extreme can encourage rebellion in young people and, from what I have observed, I agree. Too much freedom and no boundaries is a really bad idea. It doesn't even make sense to me that one would allow children to live without rules and simply do as they please. Who lives in that sort of environment in the grown up world? I suppose that answer may be found somewhere in a prison cell or a rehab center.

But oppression can be just as damaging. It seems that oppression either breaks the spirit of a child or causes them to rebel, even if it is only inwardly, in the heart. And, when they are old enough to break away from the oppressive situation, they will. Not only that, they will sometimes do all the things that were taboo at one time. So what is a parent to do?

Obviously I am no authority on answering that question for anyone but my own children. They are my responsibility. It is my duty to raise them in the way they should go. But I do think that either extreme, permissiveness or oppression, is a reaction to fear.

Permissiveness may be a fear they will not have fun, fear they will miss out, fear they will not fit in, fear they will resent the parent for rules. Oppression may be a fear they will make a mistake so big it will change their lives, fear we will lose control, fear that all we hoped and dreamed for them will not come true. Fear that they will somehow be ruined.

Well, I understand those fears. I've battled them myself. And my kids aren't perfect. They have made mistakes and I am certain they will make more. Maybe even life-changing mistakes. It is not my hope, just a reality of what we humans are capable of.

I think the bottom line is this: We are called to raise and train our children to do what is right in the eyes of God. However, they are no different than us: flawed, prone to do wrong, in need of a Savior. So I take a stand against the fear that can lead me to give my children too much freedom. And I take a stand against the fear that could drive me to rule with an iron fist.

Maybe, just maybe, my kids will learn to live according to the rules we have set forth in our home because we make them out of love, not fear. And maybe they will be happy. Hopefully they will be moral. Certainly they will be very much like me and my husband. Flawed.

My greatest hope for them is that they will be changed by God and not by rules, knowing they can make mistakes and still be loved. Lured into goodness by the love of a Savior, not the chains of a law. Free.

ENCOURAGEMENT: If you are a parent, examine your motivation in raising children in regard to freedoms and rules. Are they a result of fear or love?