Growing Away

My son is getting taller. I think he's outgrown me. But It's not the growing taller that troubles me, it's the growing away.

This morning I dropped him off at school early. He had to catch a bus with the rest of his soccer team. Tournaments. Out of town. Without me. Without his dad. Without his sister. There was a time, long ago, that this kid wouldn't go anywhere without one of us. Times have changed.

This morning he had to get something out of his locker in the school so I went inside and waited to say goodbye. I know he's only gone for three days, but he still seems like such a kid. A tall kid.

He walked toward the door, ahead of me, leaving. I said, "If you don't hug me goodbye here I'll follow you to the bus." He turned and hugged me. Then, he left.

When he was a baby, I was the one to see his first smile. After that he smiled a lot.

He said "da-da" before "ma-ma." It still seems a little unjust to me, given I was the one home with him all day.

I remember when he was two he told me he wanted to be a fire truck when he grew up. And the day before he turned four he caught his first fish. I cooked it for breakfast on his birthday and he ate the whole thing by himself with a proud smile on his face. Those were busy days. Busy, happy days.

Then came going to camp, playing baseball, and bird hunting with his dad. I'm not sure how the time has gone so fast and when this kid of mine became so independent. Getting on a bus and going away somewhere without me. Imagine.

I watched that bus this morning while it was dark outside and I remembered how much my son wanted to ride on a bus when he was little. We homeschooled back then and the thought of being on a bus was fascinating to him. He felt as if he was missing out on something.

At the same time I felt as if I had found something. Time. Time with my kids. Time to know them. Time to teach them. To learn from them. To watch them grow up. I guess I just didn't think it would happen so fast.

I can remember my own growing away. Wanting to be out of the house. Out with my friends. Having fun. Feeling grown up. It makes me smile. It makes me happy that my kids are normal. Growing. Going. Living life and exploring this world.

I just wish I could have that little boy back for just one day. Even for one morning. Or one breakfast. I'd fry him a fish and enjoy his little boy smile as he ate it.