The Secret of Letting Go

The other day my daughter told me about a friend of hers that made a sarcastic remark about her family. Something to the effect of how they don't spend any time together. At first it made me feel badly for the girl, then I thought about the things I do know about her family. They are hard-working people. They send her to a great, private school so she can get a good education. While I'm sure they have their shortcomings and problems, I am also sure there is a lot for the girl to be grateful for. A roof over her head, for starters. She looks neither undernourished nor poorly dressed. Aren't those things some other people don't have?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting good family time together is unnecessary. On the contrary, I value it very much. However, I do not think the lack of it is the worst thing in the world. But it is often the case with us humans, I think, to look at the bad in a situation instead of the good; to look at what we don't have more than what we do have.

I can think back to unpleasant things I went through as a child and beyond. I'm sorry to say I even used to lament over it a bit. There came a time in my life, though, when I learned the secret to letting go of the yucky stuff and moving on. Only then did I fully realize and embrace all the good there was. The secret is summed up in one word: forgiveness. I had to learn to forgive other people. Sometimes, the offense was intentional, but mostly, the offender was simply being, well, human. Just as flawed as me.

When God forgives us our sins, he throws them away and remembers them no more. I don't for a minute imagine that God cannot recall our errors. He can do whatever he wants. I think the meaning is that He doesn't remind us, hold it against us, lament over or give a disapproving head shake over what he has forgiven us for. We humans are not very much like God in this department, I'm afraid.

Sometimes, when we forgive others (or claim to), we keep the offense on file just in case we need to bring it up in some way or another. It may be a tool used for self-pity or to explain away our own bad behavior. Well, I am this way because so and so did this or that! Stop! True forgiveness puts the offense away for good. If it comes to mind, it needs to be tucked away again and again and again.

I heard something on the radio several days ago. Someone said something to the effect of: Time heals nothing, forgiveness heals everything. I keep that truth in my back pocket in case I need to use it (and I do). The way I see it, time just lessens the pain of offense.

To forgive someone for what they have done to offend or hurt you (whether they intended it or not) is the secret to more than just letting go of it, it is the secret to gaining a greater capacity to love. They don't deserve to be forgiven? Who does? Yet, God in His mercy forgives us, when we really repent and seek Him. He, above all of us, has the right to withhold forgiveness. Yet, He doesn't.

I hope my daughter's friend finds peace with her childhood someday and learns to forgive her parents for their imperfections, real or perceived. Perhaps it will come when she finds herself an imperfect parent to her own children.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Extend real forgiveness to someone you have been harboring a grudge against. Never bring it up again, in any way, shape or form. 

Having a Breakthrough

Have you ever had a breakthrough? Perhaps it was a task that you kept at until you accomplished your goal. Maybe you have spent years praying about something until the prayer came automatic to the point where you didn't wait with eager expectation anymore, just trudged on. Then, an answer comes - a breakthrough.

Today I experienced a breakthrough of another sort. It was a breakthrough that someone else had and I was privy to it. It came so unexpectedly that it brought a smile to my heart.

For months (and months) my son has been practicing the song Fur Elise, by Beethoven. It seems like one of those songs that is so simple, yet complicated all at the same time. I can't say if it is more simple or more complicated, however. I am not a musician. What I do know is it is beautiful.

As I said, my son (13 years old) has been playing it for months, painstakingly playing it slowly (more slowly than intended by Beethoven, I think) and with error and great concentration. At first, in this process, I waited for improvement. I would stand in the kitchen washing dishes as he practiced and I'd wait, expectantly. Improvement did not come. Not enough improvement at a pace that would cause one to take notice anyway. I stopped several weeks ago waiting and hoping for the song to get better, more palatable to the ear, not because I have no faith in my son's ability and not because I didn't think it would actually improve. I simply stopped consciously waiting. I guess I became complacent.

Then tonight, as I sat in my kitchen working on my laptop, I suddenly realized that someone was playing Fur Elise quite well. Knowing that my husband was on his way to pick up my daughter from orchestra practice and I was on the computer, there were only two other explanations:  Either my German Spitz had developed an amazing ability to play Beethoven with her paws and I was on the brink of making an appearance on the Jay Leno show, or my son had a breakthrough.

You are right if you guessed it was my son. Still, as I write, he plays. It is not perfect. He is not advanced on the piano beyond his years, but it is lovely. This song is translated, I think, "For Elise." I have no idea who Elise was, but tonight, I am certain this song is for me.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Never give up on a worthy cause. Keep trudging on.

Take What You Get

In a world that holds so many choices, it is hard sometimes to simply take what we get. Perhaps there are other cultures that offer as much variation and opportunity as America does, I don't know. I've only lived in America and I've never even been off the continent. But it seems, at times, too many choices breeds discontent. We just can't seem to accept what we have and be grateful for it, good or bad. While sometimes we can and should change our situation, there are those times when we cannot, or should not.

Today's weather is a good example of a time when I need to simply accept my situation. It is the second day of spring and the temperature, at mid-morning, is struggling to get above zero. Really? After a long, cold winter (Minnesota-style) it seems a bit, well, unfair. The fact remains, however, that I have no control over the weather. I have to take what I get. The matter, then, has nothing to do with what I want, but of my attitude. Will I be as bitter as the biting temperature outside, that, according to the calendar, should be around 40 degrees? Or, will I be grateful for my situation? After all, the sun is shining.

I heard a saying once: The key to happiness is accepting misery. 

When I first heard that quote, I thought it seemed a bit off, strange. The more I thought about it, though, the more it made sense to me. When I am in a miserable situation that I cannot change, I have two choices:

Be miserable along with the situation, or, 

Accept the situation and carry on.

I find that when I am miserable with the situation, unwilling to accept it, wanting change, I am utterly unhappy and discontent with life. On the other hand, when I evaluate the situation as something I have no control over, and accept it as it is, I can carry on with life and enjoy many other things. Sometimes, surprisingly, I can even find joy in the miserable situation. 

During the Holocaust, there was a woman named Betsie ten Boom who was locked inside a prison camp in Nazi Germany. She was forever telling her sister, Corrie ten Boom, to give thanks in all situations. Corrie admittedly could not bring herself to give thanks for the body lice they had to live with in their barracks. How could anyone be grateful for a miserable situation like that! Horror! But Betsy was thankful for everything. She accepted her lot in life, no matter what, when she was in a situation she could not change. A prison camp in Nazi Germany had nothing to do with choice.

What Corrie found out later was the German guards were often going into the barracks and raping the women staying there. Interestingly, the guards avoided Betsy and Corrie's barrack. I'm sure you've guessed why: the lice! What a blessing something so disgusting turned out to be. Betsy accepted misery. She was right.

What situations do you find yourself in that you have no control over and cannot change. Perhaps it is a situation you could change, but know you should not. Whatever it is, consider the key to happiness. Acceptance, contentment, gratitude. Carry on.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Give thanks in all situations, you never know what good will come out of it. 

Other People

Truth: I have done nothing on my own.

Confession: When I was younger (middle age has now arrived) I thought there were all sorts of things I did on my own.

Truth: Any accomplishments I have achieved have been because God gave me life and provided me with other people to help me along the way.

A good example is my college education. It took me several years to get through college. I'd like to say it is because I had to work my what through college and leave it at that. While it is true that I worked while in school to pay for it, I also corked off a bit, which delayed my graduation day. Nevertheless, my point is that I used to take pride in the notion that I worked my way through college. It was, however, just a notion.

Other people helped me a great deal, beginning with my hard-working parents. They provided me with a roof over my head, a warm bed in which to sleep and food  in my belly. While they could not afford to put eight children through college, they left the door open as long as we were attending school. For most of my college days, I would not have been able to afford living on my own. In addition, my parents always encouraged me to attend college. Encouragement goes a long way in a child's heart and mind. Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Mom.

Then, there were my employers. I had many of them in my college days, working in restaurants and various other establishments. My employers provided me with income, allowed me to work around my class schedule and, in some cases, gave me perks that I did nothing to deserve. Thanks, Boss.

Toward the end of my college days, I met the man I was to marry. He worked hard and provided me with a home while I worked (a little) and finished school. Then, he paid off the student loans I did take out during the few quarters I attended full-time. He never complained, he just paid. Thanks, Jeff.

There are, I am sure, countless others who helped me along the way. They may have helped with an encouraging word, a little cash, a place to stay or a job, but they are all a big part of the reason I have a college degree.

I could go down my list of accomplishments, and, I guarantee you, there would not be one thing I did on my own. I only hope that I am as much a help to others in my lifetime. Thanks, other people.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Consider the people who have helped you accomplish things in your life. Thank them.

Amazing People

People really are amazing. Each one has been given something special, something that makes them unique. Some gifts and talents are front and center - hard to miss. Others are classified as more common. Hobbies, perhaps.

Some abilities are left to the chosen few, like swallowing swords (how would you ever find out you can do that!) or climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. Wow!

Some abilities are shared by many people, like knitting a sweater (which I find amazing since I can't seem to do anything creative with yarn) or walking on your hands (another feat I could never accomplish).

Many of our gifts and talents are woven into our work, our professions.

What is funny to me is that we often look at other peoples accomplishments and find ourselves wondering how they ever came to do such a thing! Then, we think that our gifts and talents are just part of who we are. Nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, just doing what we do.

The other night I was picking up my daughter from orchestra practice. (Playing an instrument is, of course, amazing!) A woman I know was waiting for her two daughters. We started talking about writing for some reason I cannot remember. She commented on how amazed she was that I could write creatively. She said that she could never write that way.

I had to tease this lovely lady - a doctor of all things!

"Well, I could never be a doctor," was my reply.

It floored me that someone with a job as important as hers would be impressed with me. A doctor! I think that is amazing.

Really, though, all of the things we do are part of a bigger picture that makes this world interesting and functional. Writers provide us with something to read. Doctors provide us with care and health. Parents raise children. Gardeners raise vegetables. Tailors provide clothing. Carpenters build homes. Teachers provide us with an education. The list is endless.

I think my favorite things about people, though, are the little quirks that make them unique to those they are most intimate with, like family. My mom has a photographic memory - sees things in her mind. You can give her any word, any length, and she can spell it backward as quickly as forward.

My dad can blow little spit bubbles off his tongue. They float through the air. Strange? Perhaps, but really, really cool when you are six.

I can cross one eye. It looks creepy, I've been told. So far my mother's prophecy that my eyes will stay that way if I keep doing it has not come true.

What are your talents, your abilities, your quirks? They make you uniquely you. I believe we were made the way we are on purpose. It gives us a place in this world. It provides a service, a need, a smile, a helping hand, enjoyment, to those around us.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Embrace who you are: be yourself. 

Things Learned in the Woods

There is a lot to be learned in the woods. Since I was a little girl, I've spent time out among the trees, where I've learned some of my most valuable lessons.

• Be careful who you follow 
• Stop and look up 
• Choices have to be made from time to time 
• It's easier to lose your way than you think

As a child I used to go out walking in the woods with my family. It didn't take long to learn the mistake of following too closely behind the wrong person. The woods can get pretty thick with bushes and branches and often times, without notice, a twig that someone in front of me moved would snap back and hit me on the cheek. It hurt. I learned early on who I should not follow. 

In the woods, it's more natural, I think, to look down as you walk because there are so many obstacles on the ground that can be tripped over. It is unwise to look up at the canopy while hiking, but some of the best stuff is up there. I learned to stop from time to time so I can enjoy all of life around me, not just what's in front of my face. If I'd never looked up in the woods I would have missed owls, nests, porcupines, various birds and other living things that lurk overhead.

In the woods, there are choices that need to be made. Today while I was out snowshoeing with my husband, we came to an area thick with brush. We decided to take a downward slope into a clearing. We found ourselves in a hollow surrounded by hills. The only way out was up. Some spots were steep, others were long and gradual climbs. The steep parts led toward home, the long and gradual ones in the opposite direction.

My husband asked, "Twice the work or twice as far?" 

Either way would be tiring on snowshoes, but we chose twice as far. I was glad to have his company on the long journey.

However, I don't mind being alone in the woods. The only problem is it's easy to get lost and that's a little scary for me. A few weeks ago I was out alone. Before leaving, my husband suggested I take his compass along. I forgot it. After I had gotten pretty deep into the trees I realized I wasn't quite sure which way home was. I could have backtracked, but that didn't seem very adventuresome. Instead, I remembered my husband had mentioned that I'd get home if I headed west. Since the sun was out and I could see where it was, I was able to navigate to a spot where I could see our neighbor's house. I was farther from home than I realized. The woods are tricky and losing your way is easy.

I think the things I've learned in the woods are good applications for life. Even in civilization I have gotten into trouble by following the wrong person. I've also learned that, no matter where I am, I need to look around and observe what is going on beyond my narrow scope of vision. Sometimes my eye catches something I'm glad I didn't miss. 

As for making choices, that is a daily task that is sometimes pleasurable (chocolate or vanilla) and sometimes painful (saying no to a child for his own good). Finally, getting lost is easier than we think. I know I've lost my way from time to time. I've chosen what I want to do over what I should do. I've chosen the easier road over the better road. I've chosen the wrong way several times. Nevertheless, there's always been a way back home. For that, I am grateful.  

ENCOURAGEMENT: Don't follow the wrong people, they may lead you astray. Take the time to stop and look around. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions: do the right thing even if it is the hardest thing. If you lose your way, turn around and head home. Remember, the sun always rises in the east and sets in the west.

Life As It Is

I'm sitting here at a coffee shop drinking a latte while I watch the sun come up. The sky turned from dark to a pale blue with streaks of pinkish-purple clouds just above the horizon. Beautiful. I don't make it a habit to drive 30 minutes from my home so early in the day to have a cup of coffee. Today, however, my son had a field trip at school and needed to be there early. Very early. So here I am.

It's cold out on this March morning, but I know, even in Minnesota, March provides hints of springtime weather. A welcome release from the bondage of relentlessly frigid days. March can be cold, and is usually snowy, but it provides some warm, sunny days and slushy roads that say, "Here comes life, don't miss it!"

I don't want to miss one drop of life. It took me a long, long time, but I am learning to take life as it is. Instead of wishing this or that were better or easier, I try to enjoy the things I used to miss when I was busy looking for tomorrow, like the clouds, or the expression on my daughter's face when she plays the piano. Some things in life pass without notice when I'm too busy wishing, wanting.

Wishing for tomorrow is bad habit. Tomorrow, things will be better. Tomorrow, the pain will subside. Tomorrow, I'll get the house more organized. Tomorrow, the rain will stop. Tomorrow, my son won't be sick. Tomorrow, I'll hear from the publisher. Tomorrow, my life will be easier. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

When my kids were small and there was a task I didn't particularly enjoy (toilet training, illness, nighttime wakings, etc.) I had to discipline myself to be in the moment. It was a battle of inner emotions. While I longed for the trial to pass, I didn't want to wish away the days I had with little ones.

Now the little hands that held rattles and blankies hold iPods and cell phones. The little feet that ran to greet me run out the door to meet a friend. The arms that used to wrap around me for snuggle time on the couch carry purses and backpacks and reach for the world. The hearts that belonged to me, daddy and a teddy bear are now crowded with hopes and dreams of college and adventure and life outside the walls of my home.

No matter. Things will change, they always do. I'm not concerned. I will simply live in today, take life as it is, enjoy the blessings that come during the rain and the flowers that grow afterward. I will live in today. I will enjoy it while it is here.

The sun is higher and the clouds are gray. My coffee has turned cold and it is time for me to plan my day. My mind drifts to my family.They are busy with life and doing what they do, without my help. I hope they are looking around and noticing the smiles amid the frowns. I hope they are living in today and taking life as it is. Tomorrow will get here. Nevertheless, here we are today. I will embrace it.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Live in the moment. While it's important to have goals, budgets, hopes and dreams, we can only live in each moment as it comes. Don't miss today by wishing for tomorrow. 

Hold On in the Storms

This morning I am heading home. I've been on a weekend away, visiting with some family, some friends. It has been lovely. Amazing how two days can rejuvenate the mind and body. Today I’m prepared to go back to my busy schedule: household management, cooking, cleaning, editing and writing, driving kids around, pausing to hug my equally busy husband.

This is the time of life when the children in my home have a life but not a license. Since we live in the country, and my husband and I prefer they be involved in activities, I drive. Truthfully, my hubby does his share but I’m available more often than he is.

Anyway, this morning I head home and I’m ready. The only problem facing me is a looming storm that is supposed to begin sometime this morning. Snow. Heavy snow, and lots of it. I’m heading out early so I can beat the storm.

It’s a funny metaphor to me, actually, beating the storm. In life, can we really beat the storms? Get there ahead of them or drive away from them as a way to avoid these torrents of heartache, failure and loss? In a literal sense, we can beat the storm as long as we have a good weather man and a head start. But in life circumstances, the storms usually come when nobody is standing watch.

I've had some storms in my life. Truthfully, I should have seen some of them coming. I didn't. I tend to wear those glasses that are tinted just enough to give the illusion that the sun is always shining. I suppose some might call me an optimist, others a Pollyanna, maybe naive. I like to think of it as hopeful.

The fact remains, the storms of life will come. I guess it’s not so much the fact that there are storms as how we deal with them. If we see them coming, like the snow this morning, we can try and avoid them.

Mostly, though, we need to accept the fact that storms will come and learn to hold on during them.  Hold on to God. Hold on to our family. Hold on to our hope.

I used to beat myself up mentally for the storms that could have been prevented. I’m painfully human and make mistakes, just like the next person. Hopefully I've become wiser, more watchful. However, even the “preventable” storms have taught me a lot, taught me to hold on tighter, especially to God and taught me how to trust Him. He’s the umbrella, the tornado shelter, the lifeboat.

Do you find yourself in a storm today? 

Encouragement: If you find yourself in a storm, perhaps a small shower, perhaps it's a tsunami, hold on. Don't weather it alone. Reach for those you love. Reach for God - he is always there. Hold on.

Moving Outside My Comfort Zone

Tonight I did something I've never done before. I traveled on snowshoes through the woods with a group called the “Snow Zombies.” The area in which I live has some amazing mountain bike and hiking trails in the woods that wind around some old mine pit lakes. Even in the winter the mountain bikes are out with their abnormally fat tires and winter-geared riders.

The snowshoeing group grooms the trails for the bikes. They call the grooming process a “stomp.” They literally stomp down the snow so the trail is more suitable for bikers. The cool part is they snowshoe at night, when bikes are not typically out.

Joining this group for their “stomp” was definitely outside my comfort zone. I did not know any of them and I had no idea what to expect. First of all, I’m not terribly comfortable around people I don’t know. Secondly, I like to know what to expect. I’m a planner, an organizer of life, making sure that what I expect to happen is going to happen. Well, all I knew tonight when I arrived was I needed to be dressed for cold weather, have snowshoes and a headlamp, and be ready to stomp.

When I arrived I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I was expanding my horizon, treading on new territory. I walked around the parking lot across from Portsmouth Mine Lake, looking for others with snowshoes. A weekend winter event had bikers out tonight, too. I had my snow shoes. I was ready to go make riding better for the bikers.

After the “stompers” got together, about a dozen or more on snowshoes, we headed out to the trail. I felt confident that it would be a great excursion. Single file we slid onto the trail and into the woods. There were headlamps in front of me and headlamps behind; I fell somewhere in the middle.

The stomp went on steadily and I soon realized that this was a serious excursion, not my usual hour in the woods shoeing and pausing, shoeing and pausing. Resting did not seem to be part of the program here. We had a job to do and so it went on in a serious “stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp” as the rhythmic trek of the snowshoers continued.

It didn't take long for pride to diminish in the realization that my own, solitaire snowshoe outings were rather, well, lazy. These people in front of me on the path were downright relentless in their untiring packing down of snow.

After about 30 minutes of steady stomping, I wondered if anyone else in the group was suffering as I was. Perhaps they, too, were keeping up simply because there was no other choice than to go on or sit down in the middle of the woods on a dark, cold, winter night. Then what? Freeze.

I kept on, and the stomping continued.  I found myself reminiscing about how my father pulled me on a toboggan behind his snowmobile when I was a child. I was a nice thought.

After nearly an hour of winding through the trees – up hill, down hill – I began to numb, mechanically trudging on through the woods, certain there was no end to the stomp and allowing myself no room to wonder how long we had been on the journey. I had no idea we were a mere five minutes from being done.

Suddenly, the group ahead stopped and waited for everyone else to catch up. Headlamps were shut off and eyes were turned heavenward. The vast number of stars across a canvass of black was awesome. Breathing in the cold night air, I wondered if I had ever seen anything so lovely. At the end of the trail, I stooped to loosen my snowshoes. We had stomped the trail. Our work was done.

Back in the parking lot I said goodbye to the leader of the group, Liz. She leaned into my car and gave me a hug.

“What do I have to do to become a Snow Zombie?”  I asked.

“You are a Snow Zombie,” she replied.

I can’t wait for my next stomp.

Encouragement: Do something that is outside your comfort zone. Perhaps you will be pleasantly surprised.